Why The Cat?
by Howling WereWolf
Summary: Inside stuff KuroNeko has a secret identity...[Latest Chapter added: A Cat In Water]
1. Why The Cat?

**WHY THE CAT?**

"This stinks."

"You're telling me."

Vash the Stampede and Nicholas D. Wolfwood sit side by side on the steps of someone's porch, sharing a bottle of alcohol. Things would have been just dandy and less dull, but their good friend Meryl had gone through the trouble to forcefully confiscate both Vash's gun and Wolfwood's Cross Punisher. Said weapons were locked in the trunk of her car while she and Milly settled some business.

As the two men sit in silence, a small black cat trots over and sits down in front of them.

"Nyan".

"Hey Wolfwood, it's a cat."

"I know it's a cat."

"Nyan."

"You know, we've been seeing a lot of black cats recently."

"Yeah...Now that you mention it..."

"Why the cats?"

"Nyan."

"Maybe it's their fault why we keep running into trouble."

"Nyan."

"No, Vash. You're the reason behind all our bad luck."

"What makes it my fault?"

"You're the outlaw."

"That has nothing to do with anything."

"Nyan."

Wolfwood stares at the cat. Suddenly, he starts to laugh.

"What? What's so funny?"

"Nothing, I just had a thought."

"Care to share?"

"Forget it. The humor probably wouldn't last 5 seconds."

"Nyan."

"Go on. Spit it out."

Wolfwood regains his composure for a while. Then he points back at the cat.

"I was just thinking, maybe this guy here, and all those cats we saw, are the same puss."

"...yeah...?"

"Nyan."

"And maybe this cat is your brother's top secret agent, sent to spy on your every move."

"Nyan"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, Wolfie!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I know!"

"Oh wait! I'd bet even as we're talking, Knives is monitoring our actions with a tiny camera he hid in this kitty's fur!"

"Stop it! You're killing me!"

(VTSC)

Meanwhile, in the great cavern that the Gung-ho Guns fondly call their headquarters...

"Gadzooks! They're on to me! I need more sugar..."

#rustle rustle#

#crunch crunch#

"Agent Kuroneko, you have your next mission..."

(VTSC)

"Nyan..."

The cat struts off as our two heroes are still helpless with laughter. It returns as they finally stop laughing, and sits a little closer. Wolfwood blinks.

"Say Vash?"

"Yeah?"

"Why's the cat holding a mousetrap?"

"He probably wants to catch some mice."

"Nyan."

"Hey that's kinda cute. It's holding the mousetrap out to you, Wolfwood."

"And why would it do that?"

"Maybe it wants you to help it catch some mice."

"Nyan."

"Go on and take it, Wolfie. What would it hurt?"

"Fine."

Wolfwood sets the bottle down and reaches toward the cat.

(VTSC)

Meanwhile... Far, far away... In the December Orphanage...

The Suns are shining.

The children are laughing.

Four boys are hanging up laundry.

Three girls are feeding the head nun's stupid old thomas.

A small mixed group are playing with a ball.

"C'mon! Gimme the ball!"

"No! Gimme it!"

"Fire in the hole!"

A small child grins as he raises the ball over his head.

Suddenly, there is a very loud roar that mercilessly stabs the silent air, vibrates the stable grounds, and fills everyone with astonishment of the immense amount of pain and anger it can possibly behold.

Loosely translated into understandable English, it is an elongated "YAAAAAAAHHHHHH".

The ball-playing group and the laundry-hanging boys drop everything on the sand before curling up into fetal positions with hands over their ears.

Two of the girls meep fearfully and hide behind the other, older one.

The head nun's stupid old thomas moans as the blast sends it flying through the air. With any luck, New August would find it come Friday.

"What the heck was that!"

"That sounded like a typhoon!"

"That sounded like a sand-worm!"

"That sounded like an evil critter from outer space!"

"That sounded like a yodeling veterinarian of the New Alps!"

The oldest girl among them stands silently, allowing the roar to breeze through her delicate eardrums.

As suddenly as it started, it ceases, leaving devastated silence in its wake.

_...That sounded like Father Nicholas._

(VTSC)

Somewhere else...

"Success! Another sugar-frosted spider to celebrate! Legato! Bring me the platter!"

"Yes, Master."

"You say 'trick or treat'."

"You're sugar high again, Master."

"Legato, please remind me to sacrifice you someday to the cause of Vash's Eternal Suffering."

"Yes, Master.

(THE END)


	2. A Cat In Water

**A CAT IN WATER**

It was not often that it rained on Gunsmoke, because there was not much purpose for rain on a planet that was out to annihilate humanity one way or another.

Still, it rained; and when it rained, it poured. Check that, it flooded.

Up on someone's balcony ledge, Vash the Stampede and Nicholas D. Wolfwood hung side by side, watching the rushing waters below them. Both looked rather alright, so they probably hadn't been there long.

"...I'm hungry."

"Tongari, you have the most wondrous timings that no man can ever want to buy."

"Thanks, I make my attempts."

Suddenly, there was a brisk "nyan" as a black cat was swept by in the waters.

Vash and Wolfwood stared after it.

"Wolfwood, that's a cat!"

"I know it's a cat."

"Well, don't just hang there; go and save it!"

"WHAT! NO!"

"Oh sure, you can save a kid, but you can't save a cat? What kind of churchman are you, anyway!"

"One who cares shit for 'Thou Shalt Not Kill', carries a cross too full of mercy, and is now hanging from a balcony without somehow crashing down from the overall weight."

"...what?"

"Forget it. It's a cat; I refuse to save it."

"But WHY!"

"Because the cat is a stage prop that is decreed to emerge by itself unscathed, while its 'rescuer' gets himself abnormally wet and hurt, with his only condolence being his one true love jumping in with him."

"Fine, I'll save it."

SPLASH!

"!" Wolfwood dropped his jaw as Vash hit the water and started coasting off with all the grace of a panicking cockroach.  
"Damn it, TONGARI!"

Releasing the ledge himself, he dove in after the Stampede and was swept down as well. He soon collided with the blonde man in the red coat before he slowed down a little. Vash blinked.

"...Wolfwood?"

"What?"

"Are you my one true love?"

Wolfwood dropped his cigarette and smacked Vash hard on the side of his head.

Ahead of them, the black cat 'nyan'ed again, the look on its face never changing.

**END**

P.S. I lie. It never rains in Gunsmoke. For fiction purposes, pardon me this one time (and don't quote me).


End file.
